How Expressing Your Love- Needs and Wants Leads to Better Relationships
In this particular week's energy update I go into the communicational and energetic challenges that can arise when emotions stay unexpressed. I am pointing out the dangers of relying on mind-reading or expecting the other to know how we are feeling, and how this can lead to uncontrolled expressions of anger and rage, and lots of regrets. Always remember, that you as energetically sensitive WILL pick up on that, even if it doesn't reflect your personal sentiment. But whether or not it will lead to unnecessary confrontations depends on whether you know how to apply your own authentic expressions.
When we see our significant others do or say things, we think we have knowledge about them. We tell ourselves that they are this way, and not that way and a part of us believes that we 'know' our partner. As soon as we catch ourselves assuming what our partner may say or do, we are already projecting... Especially energetically sensitive or empathic people have a tendency to trust in their ability 'to pick up on' what the other needs, wants, and concerns, more than actually asking, sharing or verifying what was perceived. Instead of verbally communicating and directly asking questions, we often jump to conclusions and behave accordingly. We try to appease, compensate, fix or protect before we even know if our assumptions are true.
By assuming we know the other, we often miss out on important details, but more importantly, we stop listening! It is the leading cause for partners to feel misunderstood, unloved, or not cared for.
As we all know, self-disclosure, sharing, and inquiring are fundamental tools for connection. If the willingness to explore, be curious, or change our inner picture of the other is not expressed through words and actions, couples begin to lose interest in exploration and growth and often start going their separate ways.
Underneath this common phenomenon is a simple mechanism: In our attempt to feel safe with our (potential) partner we try to categorize them based on our own fears, and therefore often put them in a box. Believing we know what the other thinks, or that we can anticipate their next move, gives us a false sense of security - but with it also a skewed perception. Deeper and more intimate connections cannot be built on feeling secure alone. We need to stay curious! It requires continual adjusting, updating, and, most importantly, space to grow.
By signaling and expressing our interest in each other, and by showing that we care about the quality of our relationship, we allow our relationship connection to deepen and intimacy to grow.
A lack of clear and direct communication can lead to misunderstandings and projections between partners - and thus create the impression in us, that the other doesn't care. Without an honest interest in the other, their views, insights, or developments, we are selfishly prioritizing our own need to be safe over wanting to more deeply connect. The unconscious avoidance of direct communication is an intimacy-killer!
There can be many reasons why we unconsciously avoid asking direct questions or sharing our concerns, but most commonly we avoid talking about them directly because we fear that we might potentially tap into a sensitive topic. The most prevalent reason for not sharing or inquiring about more intimate issues is that we are afraid of the answer. We simply don't want to give any grounds based on which we or our partner could feel potentially become questioned, rejected, judged, misunderstood, or vulnerable. Why? Because we don't like being put on a spot! We are afraid of being found out or becoming responsible for the other's emotions.
For most of us, asking questions or sharing concerns expresses insecurity or inferiority. We weren't taught how to appropriately inquire about the other out of pure interest or care. Instead, we hold back or assume we already know how the other will respond. This is a huge relationship trap! We are afraid of confrontation with truth! Growing up, our parents knew our needs and wants well enough to anticipate our motives and keep us under control. Most parents are not aware of the importance of learning the skill to express their feelings, needs, and wants (regardless of them already knowing the answer.) The only time our parents asked us sincere questions was when we were in trouble or for control purposes ("Where are you?!", "Why did you do that?!", "What did you do?!"). Hence, asking or being asked direct questions feels uncomfortable for us. In relationships, however, this unconscious pattern needs to be broken.
Without feeling the space to freely express, or ask questions about how the other feels, or what their views, needs, and wants are, true intimacy and solid trust cannot develop.
Partners who continue to stay curious know each other's life goals, worries, and dreams, because they asked and authentically answered. They understand that there is always so much more to know, and they are willing to find out. In our Love Integrity classes, we teach how to become better at becoming aware of our true feelings, learn how to use loving ways to communicate ourselves and cultivate CARE-FRONTATIONS. One of the lessons is about becoming more aware of own 'love-map':
People who can create a detailed love map and share it with others can connect with the inner world of their loved ones better, and are far more prepared to cope with difficult life events, daily stressors, and conflict, such as sudden or major shifts in life.
Yours,
Jona Bryndis
If the modeled way of avoiding confrontation hits home with you, you might be ready to move your relationship communication and decision-making to the next level. The upcoming LOVE Integrity class kicks off next week and will have its first training on Sunday, August 20, 2022. We only do this class once per year, so if you want to bump up the quality of your relationships, consider joining - we still have spots left. (email me if you want to discuss installments.) A quick note to those of you who have participated in the nergyCourse or Sacred Self-Healing Training, check the discounted tickets!
Sign-up info for Love Integrity Classes HERE