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Healing Codependency through Self-Love

By jona bryndis, Sep 29 2015 12:44PM

Self-Love is our most powerful inner healing resonance and yet practically the most neglected or most difficult inner feeling to connect to. We run about our lives as if there is a lion was chasing us, trying to please others or simply fulfill our perceived duties as mothers, daughters, lovers or workers.

In energy work we understand, that the transformation of physical, mental, emotional or spiritual disharmonies is merely a matter of aligning ourselves, our thoughts, emotions and actions to the right frequency. The frequency of unconditional love, which transposed to ourselves is called Self-Love and transposed to others True Love (read "Understanding True Love").


Codependency is mainly conditioned in our developmental years; through circumstances or parents who were not able to make us feel safe and loved, we are forced to come up with ways that can create the illusion of safety and the feeling of being loved. Emotionally (or sometimes even physically) unsafe conditions can be caused by many different scenarios, typically in connection with addictive behavioral family structures or extreme narcissism of our caregivers. However, the majority of times it's our parent's inability to self-love in the first place; inherited from previous generations of addictive family structure.

One of the most common coping mechanisms in order to self-nurture love, in men and women alike, is the externalization of inner love through co-dependency. Without the internalized feeling of self-love, we make our inner feeling depend on others. We become masters in assessing other people’s emotional states and instead of staying in our center, focus on ‘keeping others happy’.

On the surface, we think we are loved for our selflessness. Our society has many role models that fit this program and make us feel good about ourselves. However, internally, we often feel victimized and develop inner resentment, as this kind of love comes with a price…. Conditionality.

Apart from the extreme examples of battered women or emotionally abused husbands, co-dependency can be identifies in the strong need for pleasing and conforming. The truth however is, that underlying our need to please a converted form of manipulation and control is taking place; often totally unaware to us.

Those of us with codependent tendencies are often very judgmental – in regards to others and mostly to ourselves. Because we were never really taught to properly love ourselves, love is conditional to us. ‘If I am good, I will be loved.’ This and many other inner statements are typical for codependent behavioral patterns.

Of course, this is just a very abbreviated version of this complex subject, but in a simplified way it shows where our issues with Self-Love originated. In order to overcome these powerful programs preventing you from feeling loved, no matter what, it can be helpful to dedicate some time for inner reflection and self-healing.


‘Energetically seen, self love is a state of energy in which a person is in complete acceptance of Self, whole, congruent and able to unconditionally love him/herself and thus others.

Unconditional Love is ego-less. It is an energy that surrenders to the Love for All…. the kind of Love the universe ‘feels’ for the totality of it’s holographic dimensions, parents feel for their children, a flower feels for its petals, a leaf feels for the wind that makes it dance… It is the Love of creation, the Love of the Divine, which does not expect anything back. It does not require any payback…it just IS.

Unconditional Self-Love is based on Wholeness within and can be felt for in a flower, a baby, music, water, a laughing child, a person’s smile, a dog’s wagging tail or ideally, for every learning experience. It is the resonance needed to attract our True Love into our lives, inside and outside.

True Love means loving everything we are, do, feel or think. If we don’t/can’t love what we are, do, feel or think we are counteracting and imploding this field within us. If we cannot love ourselves, others can’t love us – we cannot love others. ‘

(excerpt from ‘Unconditionally Loving Ourselves and in Relationships')


In order to experience happiness and with it a life according to our fullest potential two major steps are necessary:

1. Reconnecting with the state of our inner Unconditional Love – ‘Self-Love’

2. Transcending Ego: identifying, clearing, accepting and integrating of inner programs

Ego is comprised of learned coping mechanisms. Whenever we are challenged emotionally, physically, mentally or spiritually, our ego will come up with a pattern or program to secure our survival. Most programs are conditioned patterns, roles or fake identities, often karmic or archetypal in nature, which can influence our perception of self and unconsciously determine our behavior. Programs and ego patterns are the main reason why we cannot feel Self-Love.


A whole lot of readings, tools and modalities here at transCODES are dedicated to assist us in finding back to our inner Unconditional Lovingness – as a women, sister, mother, daughter, friend, lover or beloved. Our ability to self-love shows in all areas of our lives.

To improve your inner connection and self-love, take a brief moment to reflect:

Are you fully congruent with your True Self?

Can you see and honor True Self in others?

Do you still infringe on others by projection of your own shadow?

Do you judge others?

Do you tend to shrink yourself?

Are you still caught in defensive patterns? Take things too personally?

Do you need control mechanisms to feel loved?

Do you listen to your Inner Guidance? Are you aware of your inner needs?

Can you find appreciation and gratitude in all there is?

How much time do you spend time on connecting with yourself?

Do you use other coping mechanisms like shopping, alcohol, cigarettes, meds to feel safe?

Do you question your Inner Divinity?

Do you still feel victimized?

Can you unconditionally love yourself even when you ‘messed up’?

Can you accept your physical limitations?…’

(excerpt from ‘Strict Love’ )

Use the GRACE 5 Minute Alignment (comes with GRACE Integrity transMISSIONS) or FREEDOM Energy Prayer mp3 (comes free with a transCODES Blog Subscription) to remind yourself on your inner unconditionality! Make it a practice to spend 5 minutes in the morning to contemplate and affirm your inner Self-Love!

For those of you who want to go further, sign up for energy coaching or transMISSIONs. There, we have the opportunity to dive deeper into our inner patterns and to heal them.

Thank you for your time!!!

Much Love,


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